No, 3

February 24th, 2003 2:39 AM

No, I don’t know why I have a mohawk. Or why I feel so different than those around me. Or why I feel driven to do something different, something meaningful and lasting. Why everyday life seems dim and colorless compared to what I feel — what I know ought to be.

I don’t know why I crave devestation. These days I bite at the slightest earthquake or turbulence, wanting more, wanting to struggle for mere existence.

Again, I feel something must be done, and again, I don’t know what it is.


comfort breeds a certain amount of boredom. maybe not for everyone, but certainly for me. there’s times when i wish i was living on the african plains “struggling for mere existence” as you say. i know it sounds a bit extreme :) but there’s something to be said for that kind of simplicity of life and rawness of emotion. in comparison, our life does seem pretty meaningless and colorless. living on a montana ranch evokes some of the same poetic feelings for me of being in touch with life and the earth. but then i think that i’d just be trading one boredom for another. the trick, of course, would be to regain some of our innocence at the same time, so we wouldn’t know what we’re missing.

Posted by: gary on February 24th, 2003 4:36 AM

This isn’t, I don’t think, an issue of boredom. These feelings have been with me through times of little boredom. As for simplicity, that’s not what I want either. I just want meaning. Except I don’t know how to find it.

Posted by: kasei on February 24th, 2003 4:49 AM

The trick is not to find meaning, it’s to learn to live without any.

Posted by: tim. on February 24th, 2003 11:39 AM

I too can empathize. I have often grimly wished I was hit by a car and paralized because of how that would force me to feel and take action with my life. I recognize the world is fucked and wonder at my lack of emotion for it or people on it. I frequently feel guilty for not feeling more, but I do not feel much in general. I crave forced emotion as an alternative to no emotion at all.
That said, I find meaning and solice in the rawness of nature. Being confronted by the elements, with my own insignificance and inadequacies forces a sort of realism I do not get in the ‘real working world’, interacting with ‘real’ people. Hanging on the side of a rock face, I am confronted with the importance, or lack thereof of my own mortality. Confronted with my fears. I come out of these experiences humbled, but more whole. I believe in myself and recognize I have to work on my inadequacies. I am the alien in nature. It is not mine to have the power over. The facade of control in the ‘real world’ is just that; a futile attempt at convincing ourselves we are in control with the help of modernaty and technology.

The world is… outside.

Posted by: Wonko on February 24th, 2003 9:23 PM
  • Passion!?

4 Who, 4 What, 4 When, 4 Where, 4 How, and 4 Why?

What burns honestly on your soul?

Is the manner in which you appear a reflection of something or nothing, or does it even matter?

What does the voice inside you say that you’re not willing to share with others; or even yourself? Does it speak? Does it feel? Does it seek passion?

Are you searching beyond what your soul has discovered to be meaningful but your mind won’t settle upon?

In all of these questions I honestly believe that we truly KNOW who, what, when, where, how, and why we want to be. Though we find ourselves trying to challenge and contest what our soul is telling us. Our mind battles our soul for control of w, w, w, w, h, and w and it causes us to question ourselves, when in all actuality we see where we want to be but can’t reach it. We give up, unable to try, unable to fail. Failure IS an option….and an option which clarifies achievement. Our soul is our where our passion grows and we must not be afraid to share beyond what we feel might fail us.

(DISCLAIMER: I’ve been up for quite a while and not sure if Iíve made any sense here or if I’ve even responded appropriately on the topic. So I apologize if my ramblings make little or no sense to you)

Posted by: Obigabu on February 28th, 2003 2:05 AM