East of East St. Louis
Sometimes having a complete breakdown sounds like a tempting escape from the weariness I feel for this world and the obligations that I have sought or have sought me. The thing stopping such a breakdown, at this point, I believe, is merely the idea that such a thing would impact not only me but others in a fairly radical way. I currently can’t bring myself to accept the selfish point of view that such a breakdown would thus involve. At some point, though, this facade may prove to much to keep up, and weariness will creep into my disdain for even selfishness.
That which will happen, will happen. That which has happened is past. I remain unrepentant.
Comments
The distance between sanity and insanty is measured in nanometers, not miles. Its not a matter of going insane, so much as allowing oneself to slip the short distance towards insanity. ie. One doesn’t chose to be insane, one chooses to stop trying. Breakdowns are like illnesses for our mind where our mind tells us something is wrong and that we need to slow down to fix it. It is therefor not necessary. What IS necessary, breakdown or not, is to identify the cause(s) of our discontent and choose a path towards healing. A breakdown is merely a weaker way of reaching that conclusion. It becomes easier to focus on the impending ‘breakdown’ than to continue searching for solutions. Pretty soon, the breakdown BECOMES the problem, when in fact, it is merely a band-aid over a more pressing issue.
Solutions, in this realm, are not black and white and often do not present themselves easily. Solutions are better viewed as paths we put ourselves on which bring us closer to contentment or farther away. Often we must try a few paths, and certainly, constantly, purposefully, deviate from our path as we learn what it has to teach us. In this regard, a breakdown can be viewed as our mind’s final weapon to get us off a path which we should not be on in the first place, but stubbornly continue on with.
“If you do what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always got.”
Is a breakdown still selfish when one becomes so BLINDED by the weariness, obligations and thought of an inevitable breakdown, as to completly reverse the effect and see a breakdown as the only good or positive thing to come to anyone associated with the original frustrations ? Therefore seeing the breakdown as an action to fix or to circumvent the negative impact of the “pre-breakdown” metality from perpetually effecting others…..?
Posted by: becky on November 11th, 2002 11:13 AM