Gregory Todd Williams

At the prodding of obigabu, here’s the log of our conversation from Tuesday night. Thoughts to follow at some point later. (Maybe tonight, but I’m not promising anything.)

obigabu: so while you were on BRB, I read monday’s blog…may I inquire?

samofool: you may, but we both know the person I’m talking about,

obigabu: LOL

samofool: so I’m not sure how much I’m going to answer

samofool: at least I assume you know them

obigabu: hehe yea

obigabu: this one perplexed me more than the last

obigabu: and there is an underlying question I’ve had for a long time

obigabu: may i continue?

samofool: you may

obigabu: it sounded better the way i was going to say it a minute ago

obigabu: Here’s the thing i don’t understand…..You can walk around with a 4 foot mohawk and be like “Look at Me” I have nothing to fear. I can look however I want and be whoever I want but it’s only on the outside

obigabu: and on the outside only, but inside you’re so guarded

obigabu: i don’t get this. Am I correct in this assertion?

samofool: it’s true… and I think the weblog is an explicit attempt to work on the insecurities that I hide with the mohawk

obigabu: is your ouside appearance a manifestion of who you want to be on the inside?

samofool: I’m not sure it’s as clear cut as “want to be” …

samofool: It’s just a hair style… and while I like to break down people’s preconceived notions of people with mohawks, I don’t put a lot of weight into what outward appearance means about a person.

obigabu: yea but it takes alot of guts to open yourself up to those preconceived notions

samofool: less guts then opening up my self

obigabu: you’ve been doing it so long you do it without fear…I don’t see why you have so much difficulty letting the inside go as well

samofool: err “than”

obigabu: again i’m not trying to be so anylitical with you but you’re soooo inteligent and I just understand how the inside and the outside are different for you

samofool: that’s just it… it’s not a rational thing… however much I can see my own issues and admit that they’re all rather baseless, it’s just one of those things that I can’t just change all of a sudden.

obigabu: why not make it a rational thing…i guess thats what I don’t get

samofool: and it’s really fucking frustrating to be able to say to myself, “I can see myself doing X, and I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t do X,” and then try to do X and fail miserably.

samofool: because this isn’t something I chose. irrationality seems to be the rules of the game… and the rules were here before I got here.

obigabu: see that’s the part i don’t understand

samofool: I mean, I can attempt to overcome the irrationality, but I don’t think I can just ignore or get rid of it.

obigabu: again im not tring to be too critical here

obigabu: is that it seems that you accept that you are because you are and are not willing to just do it

obigabu: pardon the nike cliche

samofool: if you hope to get anywhere in this converstation, you need to stop backpedaling and hedging every other sentence :)

obigabu: no, im not

obigabu: it’s just this

samofool: no, that’s the thing… with some issues I have, I do try to do it, and end up failing really badly.

samofool: and I suppose it might be a self fulfilling thing where I have a deep down inner doubt, and it manifests as failure, but that’s just the way it seems to be.

obigabu: i don’t think i have earned as much the right to conversate with you on these issues and I feel it necessary to tell you that it’s not coming from a bad place

samofool: is “conversate” a word? :)

obigabu: so im not back peddling

samofool: (as opposed to “converse”)

obigabu: idon’t know i didn’t go to no college

samofool: hehe

obigabu: if it’

obigabu: if it’s not a word im making it one

obigabu: so you said you end up failing really bad…

obigabu: part of the reason I continue to back peddle as you call it is because if i read some of these things i’d be like what is this fucker trying to sayh

obigabu: hehe

obigabu: so is failing a bad thing?

samofool: for me it is

obigabu: why can’t failure be a good thing?

samofool: I’m thinking specifically of my presence in social situations as an example of where I tend to fail.

samofool: and being completely socially inept is, I think we can agree, not a good thing.

obigabu: well sort of

obigabu: but I think you’re a long way from being anywhere near socialy inept

samofool: you’ve only ever seen me in situations where the majority of people around me are close friends.

obigabu: see i don’t beleive in any of that tony robbins shit

samofool: “tony robbins shit”?

obigabu: and it’s my belief that failure is a good thing

obigabu: because it’s a starting point not an ending point

samofool: not on an ongoing basis!

obigabu: now wait a minute that sounds like tony robbins shit doesn’t it

samofool: what the fuck is this “tony robbins shit”?

obigabu: motivational blah blah

obigabu: anthony robbins “Let me help you unlock your personal power”

obigabu: tony robbins shit

samofool: ummmm… ok

obigabu: you don’t know who he is?

samofool: no

obigabu: http://www.tonyrobbins.com/

samofool: i’m not going past the splash page

samofool: I can already tell it’s not worth the effort to click.

obigabu: hehe

obigabu: that’s awesome

obigabu: you still don’t know who he is?

obigabu: he’s been like a good will ambassador to every country and has helped numerous presidents unlock their personal powere

obigabu: you can even buy his tapes

samofool: I know of that kind of thing… maybe not him in particular, but…

obigabu: hehe

obigabu: anyhow

obigabu: anyhow while I can’t relate specifically to you based upon how you grew up and how you were far above your peers both in intelligence and in social status, I can relate to the outside inside thing

obigabu: this is why i struggle to understand

obigabu: while i don’t know if you were the nerd in school or not, I was, that is until i decided to not give a fuck either to my outward appearance or to my inward appearance. It wasn’t until i made this decission to give up on caring what others thougth that I was able to be free of their bondage on me

obigabu: it happend about my second year of highschool

obigabu: i wasn’t good at sports or even in school….but i just said fuck it

obigabu: i showed up to school in tights and dressed as super grover

obigabu: face painted blue and everything

obigabu: I ended up going to prom nominated prom prince and voted most congenial

obigabu: and the key for me at least was just saying fuck it….I did both at the same time…..that’s why im asking you this…becasue I see you with the mohawk as saying fuck it, think what you want to think

obigabu: but not being able to do it on the inside i don’t understand

samofool: I’m not sure this is an issue of other people having “bondage on me”… my issues seem ultimately personal…

obigabu: fear of failure based on the bondage you give to people

samofool: you’ve lost me

obigabu: i may have lost myself actually

samofool: hehe

obigabu: give me one sec, wife is coming in with grocerys

obigabu: cool?

samofool: yeah

obigabu: back sorry

obigabu: let me step back…can you say specifically why you put these restricitons on yourself to prevent failing?

samofool: I’m sorry?

samofool: “these restrictions”?

samofool: what are we talking abotu?

obigabu: am i really not being clear or are you being evasive?

samofool: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about

obigabu: i mean protecting your innerself ffrom anyone

samofool: I couldn’t be evasive if I wanted to at this point :)

obigabu: LOL

samofool: see, I’m not convinced that I’m doing that.

obigabu: focus

obigabu: you said it in your post

samofool: did I?

obigabu: that’s what i got

samofool: that’s what I said, or that’s what you read? ;)

obigabu: okay now you’re being legaistic i think

obigabu: you tell me what you said…because my inturpretation must be incorrect :)

obigabu: btw my favicon is now working for me on my laptop everytime

samofool: which part/post do you want me to explain?

obigabu: im revieing now, just a sec

obigabu: okay this entry is pretty specific, so i’ll have to say that it was my assumtpion

obigabu: okay now you have managed to run me around in circles and make me lose even myself

obigabu: you’re clever my friend, very clever

samofool: I try

obigabu: i know you do

samofool: B)

samofool: haha

obigabu: it’s like a chess game with youi

obigabu: and I’m affraid i don’t have the skills to beat you in this game

samofool: “Hit the bulls-eye and the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”

obigabu: lol

obigabu: let me try a different line of questioning

obigabu: may I proceed?

obigabu: hehe

samofool: yes

obigabu: why must it be a chess game?

samofool: It needn’t be, I suppose.

obigabu: we’re still playing chess I see

samofool: haha

samofool: this is far too abstract

obigabu: i told you I can’t win if we play

obigabu: i concede the game now I’m asking you to play for fun

obigabu: none of this is abstract, it’s all the truth…we both know this

obigabu: okay the shit before about super grover, that was abstract but this is really the way it is

samofool: I’m not playing… I honestly either don’t understand what you’re saying, or don’t agree with it.

obigabu: chess

obigabu: lol

obigabu: what prevents you from telling me right now, your deepest darkest secret

obigabu: oh i forogt ***CLICK***

samofool: haha

samofool: not much

samofool: what do you want to know?

samofool: bwahahahaha… http://kasei.us/temp/adam.jpg

obigabu: you understoond the click huh?

obigabu: hehe it’s fat adam

samofool: (adam’s response: “AAHHHH!!!”)

obigabu: hey hey hey fat adam here

obigabu: not much prevents you?

samofool: no

samofool: like I said, I try to be very open…

samofool: it’s not the disclosure that bothers me

samofool: it’s the insecurities that nag at me all day long

obigabu: which are what?

samofool: and I can talk about them, but that doesn’t make them go away

samofool: all sorts of meaningless shit

obigabu: give me some examples…and don’t make them pussy ass examples either…i want the good shit

samofool: like rehashing a conversation days later wishing I had said something else…

obigabu: i do that one all the time

obigabu: i always hate myself for saying stupid shit

obigabu: that one’s weak though

samofool: or trying to talk to somebody I don’t know, and making the most concerted effort of my life to have an engaged discussion, and feeling like a complete ass when I run out of things to say after “Hi”

obigabu: are you referring cleverly to this discussion?

samofool: no

samofool: they happen all the time, and most of them are so small that I don’t remember what the specifics were, but they fill my life.

obigabu: i wasn’t sure if you concidered you knew me or not

obigabu: what about after the first introduction? does it seem to work out if you’ve met someone once before?

samofool: depends on the person, I think

obigabu: is shyness not acceptable?

obigabu: i know that sounds girly, but can’t it be okay to be shy?

samofool: this is shy to an extreme.

samofool: and the fact of being shy is fine with me… but it’s affecting my ability to interact with people.

samofool: *cough*girls*cough*

samofool: :)

obigabu: i didn’t get that?

obigabu: aobut the girls

samofool: “my ability to interact with”

obigabu: ah

obigabu: hehe

obigabu: see that’s why i married the second girl i ever dated

obigabu: that’s actually a question I asked adam about you

obigabu: a while back that is

samofool: yeah, well the possibility of the second girl is still open for me… so…

obigabu: the second girl still being out there you mean?

samofool: yes

obigabu: so when you sit and think about yourself and who you’ve become and where you’re going is this issue on the top of the list?

samofool: it’s basically the only issue on the list

obigabu: really?

samofool: yes

samofool: everything else can slide

obigabu: I wish we could hang out…I’ve told adam that before….I told him that If i could get along with anyone of his friends the best it would be you

obigabu: if that were the case I’d have your self confidence built so high you’d be brave heart

samofool: such is my luck, then.

obigabu: hehe

obigabu: see i think your biggest problem with the chicks would be what you’d require out of one

obigabu: I hate to bring your intelligance up but dude face it you’re a genius

samofool: I feel obliged to deny that charge.

obigabu: and part of finding who you want to be with is getting past all the superficial bullshit to find someone that can relate on your level

samofool: smart, yes. genius, no.

obigabu: a modest genius

obigabu: for sure yes

obigabu: don’t argue with me on this

obigabu: this i will not lose

obigabu: maybe chess but not this

obigabu: my suggestion is join mensa

samofool: I never get to that stage though… I don’t even end up talking to girls… so it’s difficult to find one that would relate to me on my level.

obigabu: she’s waiting htere

samofool: fuck mensa

obigabu: hehe(on my mensa coment)

obigabu: see you’re so far genius mensa means nothing to you

obigabu: pewiee on mensa

obigabu: hehe

samofool: no

samofool: bahj

obigabu: bahj?

samofool: “Bah”

obigabu: yea

obigabu: tha’ts hwat I was jsut going to type

obigabu: who do you hang out with?

samofool: these days?

obigabu: are your closest friends the same way?

samofool: not really

samofool: my closest friends aren’t near me anymore…

obigabu: boston?”

samofool: which is becoming a major concern

obigabu: san fran?

samofool: boston and new york

obigabu: ah

samofool: and I suppose Adam ;)

samofool: (just under the wire) hehe

obigabu: now if you were looking for a girl then I supposed you’d want one that would not judge you for your mohawk

obigabu: hehe

samofool: I know a total of three people still in LA.

samofool: that’s true

obigabu: see that’s kinda part of what I meant before

samofool: but mohawk or no mohawk, the girl thing doesn’t seem to change.

obigabu: about finding a girl on your level

obigabu: it’s the presence

samofool: hmm?

obigabu: it’s what you initially bring to the table

samofool: what is?

obigabu: like it or not we get to that level with people based initially on looks

obigabu: as far as girl to guy and guy to girl

samofool: yeah, but I don’t always have the mohawk

obigabu: girls that you’d want to be with wont do this but most will

obigabu: i hear ya

samofool: and that doesn’t seem to change anything

obigabu: your presence (fuck i can’t spell…i know the words i want to use I just don’t know if im using them) the way you dress, the way you present yourself

obigabu: when I look at you with or without a mohawk I don’t get “This dude is intellegent” and that goes back to breaking peoples misconceptoins

obigabu: i know you so that doesnt count what I see you ass

obigabu: as

obigabu: not ass

obigabu: i don’t look at your ass

samofool: hehe

obigabu: sorry i just dont

obigabu: anyhow, im not telling you to change the way you dress or anything but image to a point is everything

obigabu: and it’s a survival of the fittest thing

obigabu: you have to bring the appropriate camoflauge to the appropriate ground covering

obigabu: does that last line make sense?

samofool: I suppose.

samofool: though as far as relating to the current discussion, I’m less sure.

obigabu: c’mon

obigabu: it’s funny because what you’ve told me is exactly what I was telling adam…not when he was out here about a year ago probably…..and that was that you grew up so quick you missed some of the opportuniites with relationships.

samofool: it was like this even before Cnation though… to the extent that it even can be at that age.

obigabu: not that you probably regreted it so much but it just happend. Your ineterest were in a different place while you were at the age that they normally would have been on during that age

obigabu: you’ve always been at a higher place im sure? whether or not it was pre or post cnation?

samofool: “higher place”?

samofool: I’m not sure I’ll grant that

samofool: :-P

obigabu: you’re too modest

obigabu: that’s one problem of yours

samofool: perhaps

obigabu: i’d have to say that I have a pretty high intelligence (regardless whether or not I can spell) and I’m quite certain i could keep up with yo in acadamia

samofool: I’m not sure I’d consider it a problem, though.

obigabu: sure because it’s a self confidence thing

obigabu: famous quote “you must move with certainty”

obigabu: don’t know who said it but it fits

samofool: there’s a difference between moving with certainty and doing it flagrantly.

obigabu: yea but I don’t think if you owned up to the fact that your intellegence was that high that YOU would do it flagrantly

obigabu: you clearly know how to diffrentiate talking on different levels and don’t talk high brow to everyone

obigabu: that’s a good quality

samofool: “high brow”?

obigabu: accepting the fact that you are of higher intelligence (i think i’ve managed to spell that word every possible way) than most

obigabu: hi faloot’n

obigabu: high falooting

obigabu: high brow, above others heads because you can

obigabu: we need to hang out…I”ll get a divorce tomorrow, come up there and we’ll run around a couple days before my wife, who then will be ex, tracks me down and kills me

samofool: yeah, ok

samofool: or I could just quit bizrate and come out there on my way back east

samofool: I’ve been thinking about doing that anyway

obigabu: you should definately do that regardless

obigabu: if you leave to go back east you should definatley come through az

obigabu: i’ll hook you up with a place to stay

samofool: we’ll see how things work out :)

obigabu: im not telling you to quit bizrate because I think that’s a dream job…well maybe it is…but if you do then definately come out here

samofool: it’s no dream… but I’m starting to feel like my expectations are a bit lofty.

obigabu: i appreciate the fact that we can talk. Seriously dude, for whatever reason, I’ve always been concerned about you in a brotherly sort of way. Don’t know why..cuz i don’t know you all that well. but its true

obigabu: no tears please

samofool: Well I appreciate that.

samofool: hehe

obigabu: i need to do some thinking on this girl thing

obigabu: cuz now i understand a lot more…but the girl thing is an easy one….but it’s just so hard

obigabu: litterally and figurativley

obigabu: now may i make a suggestion?

samofool: I suppose

obigabu: because I know I’d do it, i already said i had this problem too….don’t think 2 days from now that you should have said anything different….because the truth is you shouldn’t.

obigabu: it’s all good bro

obigabu: hehe

obigabu: did I lose ya?

obigabu: you still there?

samofool: yeah

obigabu: i was about to give you the same message I gave adam earlier

obigabu: hehe

obigabu: my wife is bitching at me to go spend time with her…so i got to run….I’d like to pick this back up though if we could..say mabye when you get out here to phx?

samofool: haha

samofool: sure

samofool: or some day when I’m zoning out at work

obigabu: hehe, for real, you got a place to stay here in phoenix if you come

obigabu: yea cool

samofool: aight

samofool: later

obigabu: aight man take care…and thanks again

obigabu: i’ll rap with ya soon…and btw….like I said before YOU KICK ASS for hooking me up with KDX .99

obigabu: hehe

obigabu: night

samofool: yeah… go read my latest blog post :)

samofool: hehe

samofool: later

obigabu: btw k

obigabu: i haven’t gone there yet but what I was goiing to say is you should post the contents of our conversation

samofool: I’ll think it over

samofool: and maybe even do it

samofool: heh

obigabu: k, goodnight

samofool: night